My mind has been busy in a way that feels quite like trying to rearrange a room that has few possible alternative arrangements: I keep attending to the same items, playing with them, putting them aside, attending to others, then putting them aside, then trying to bring them together in some way that makes sense, eventually retiring to the original design and contemplating what to do next.
This thinking does not reflect a pattern applicable to all areas of my life (i.e., family, friends, health...), but it is reflective of thoughts of the next five years, the next ten years, of my life. There exist many possibilities I could pursue, and there exist many interests I already possess, but what I feel must exist and is also currently beyond my mind's visual field is a goal that can drive me forward into the next chapter of my life. Perhaps I do not need to decide upon my life-long career - as I may have anywhere from one to five to ten! - but I do feel I lack a vision towards which I can propel myself in the short-term that could mark the beginning of the journey.
Today I attended my third UBC Student Leadership Conference; my second attendance as a delegate (versus a volunteer who was unable to attend workshops or presentations). In my third year of studies, I have become more skilled in the art of choosing what sorts of activities will benefit my extracurricular involvements (such as council), and even my transition into a professional - but for this, only in a very general sense. "Network! Learn financial management. Gain experience, articulate it well. Learn project management..." These tips and the specifics that were presented with them are all very useful, but I do not know what direction to head in that I could begin to apply them.
My biggest takeaway today would be that my journey into leadership and the next phase of life will be ultimately easier to focus on if I understand my priorities, my goals, and do not fear my own greatness (or failure to achieve it). I cannot tell if I truly lack a goal or if I am blinded by fear of being inadequate in the pursuit of something I am passionate about. Recently, I've sought out the opinions of friends and family as to what they could see me doing that would result in my own success and, more importantly, happiness.
Nursing. Small business owner. Photojournalist.
These all make sense to me, but something is either lacking in or impeding the goal-making process for me. Do I not think these would bring me contentment? Are they unappealing in terms of salary? Do they somehow seem too "small" for me? Am I putting a glass ceiling on myself and in fact too afraid to pursue any of these? Does the idea of going through another Bachelor's degree simply dismiss them as options?
Perhaps all of those. I do not know what I want my career to me, but I believe I know these things about myself:
- I feel a passion for people in a way that can best be articulated as a sense of being fired-up in interpersonal relations with others, in mediating problem-solving between people, in listening and observing and trying to understand individuals.
- I believe I possess significant emotional intelligence.
- I think that I want to have an impact on not just a few, but many people; in a positive way. (Part of me struggles with a potential loss of quality of impact in doing so, however.)
It has felt cleansing to put these thoughts into words I can examine for myself, rather than trying to reorganize them in my mind endlessly. I have repeatedly expressed a desire to have my "ah-ha! moment", and to feel a "click" in my mind when I consider something that just makes sense to pursue.
Hopefully I can reach some peace on this matter soon, in whatever capacity that may be.
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